Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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