I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Randomize
