Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
