you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
