I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
