Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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