bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
True college students do jello shots in the library
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
