I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
