It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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