So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
