I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
