she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
