a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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