I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
