Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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