Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
