oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
