Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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