She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
