I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
