I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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