i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
