i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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