I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
