I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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