It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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