Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
