Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head