I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
