Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My penis needs a shock collar
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
