I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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