Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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