Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
