you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
