it hurts more in the daytime
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
