Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
