i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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