it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
