thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
