no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
