He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
