you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
