You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
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