I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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