I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
