Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
