If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
