I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
try to milk me bitch
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