Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
