But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
