I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
