babies were throwing up all over the place
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
