So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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