For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
