I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
