All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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