I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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